Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to cancel America Online and the operator told me I couldn't because their computers were down?  True story. 

I fucking hate AOL.

I hate everything about it: from the executives, to the 'customer service' reps, to the people who use the service - I despise them all. Three years ago, I purchased my very first computer. Right after I had everything plugged in, I eagerly pulled out one of the many AOL CDs that had found their way into my mailbox. I had accumulated quite a collection over my technology impaired years. Prior to owning a computer, my only CD experiences had been with music and Sony PlayStation. Surely something fantastic was to be found on this disk. The packaging was bold, bright and encouraging. The label promised 500,000 free hours (or a month- whichever came first). I popped the CD into the machine... and there it was. The World Wide Web, in all of its glory. The computer said "Welcome", and I felt warm and fuzzy. The voice then told me that I had mail. Mail? I'd been online for 1 minute, and someone had already written to me! The written words of welcome from my brand new ISP brought a tear of joy to my eyes.

Everything I'd only heard about was there. Suddenly I was a member of that mysterious world of Internet users. I had been scared to join the masses because I knew nothing about these machines. But it was all so easy! And the legends were true: Chat rooms, instant messaging, e-mail, bulletin boards, games, and (of course) all of that porn! It was positively glorious! 

For about a week.

I quickly became overwhelmed in a sea of spam. Then I unsuccessfully tried to use a "shortcut" on my desktop. Then I realized that chat rooms are really, really stupid. Then there were programs I wanted to run, but AOL seemed to be blocking it. Then when I wanted to sign off line, AOL would force me to remain on as it downloaded files the pop-up window claimed I needed. Then I grew weary of all of those ads! Then AOL called me at home to try and sell me a book that would improve my Internet experience. A week later, another AOL telemarketer tried to sell me long distance service. Then the same voice that had comforted me with my first "welcome" began to mock me with "goodbye" as I was repeatedly booted offline.

I downloaded another ISP for a free trial. 

Oh MY what a lesson I learned.

It wasn't AOL that rocked- it was the INTERNET that did. It had been my belief for that first month of computer ownership that AOL was the Internet. (A delusion that the good people at America Online like their customers to hold on to.) It quickly became apparent that there exists a great online experience, and that cannot be found surfing on AOL.

But they make you call to cancel.

You can sign up electronically; but in order to get out, they make you talk to a human being. 

That's when my Hotel California experience began.

I had some warning from a friend. Meaning she had told me months prior that she had "tried" to cancel her AOL. I asked what she meant by "tried". She said they wouldn't let her. She had tried explaining to the representative that she was no longer even going to have a computer, and he kept throwing free months at her. She ended the conversation with 3 more free months of a service she couldn't even use.

I was braced for the sales pitch when I called to cancel (the entire reason they make you call). I was determined that my call would end with me no longer being a subscriber to their shitty Internet service. I am woman, hear me roar.

I was successful, but not without a fight. 

The conversation felt like I was talking to someone at Disney World. They must go to the same training camps. Everything I said - no matter how sarcastic or unpleasant - was responded to with sunshine and daisies. She asked why I wanted to cancel my account, I told her AOL sucked. She said she was very sorry that I felt that way, and asked if I could please be more specific about the nature of my dissatisfaction. I told her my problems with the service were to numerous to address, but at that moment my biggest complaint was that "I no longer require your service" wasn't good enough reason for her. She told me that of course my reason was good enough, but that they wanted to take every opportunity they could to improve the online experience for all their customers. I wanted to bitch slap this stranger through the phone. Then if felt like a game, she became similar to a guard at Buckingham Palace. But I didn't want to make her to smile, I wanted her to flip out and tell me off. 

I didn't succeed in getting her to swear at me - but at least my account was canceled.

Fast Forward 3 years.

My computer got a virus. That lovely klez that seems to be making the rounds. I lost everything. I was busily reinstalling all of my programs, but I realized I didn't have my Earthlink installation CD. I could download it from the Internet... but how to get online? Well ... due to the fact that AOL free trial software comes installed on every piece of computer equipment and software bought or pirated in this country, the aggravating icon sat on my desktop, begging for me to give it a click.

I was desperate. I went through the motions of AOL's installation. I knew that a credit card was required to get the free month, but I tried to get around having to enter one. I used a fake last name as I went from screen to screen, and I entered a fictitious address. But eventually came the screen that wanted a credit card number. I tried "other ways to pay", and was shown a long list of credit cards that are all AOL compliant (including Sears?). There was no other payment option buttons after that. So I clicked "Cancel", and figured I'd come back. It is only upon clicking cancel that you find the top secret payment options. Apparently they really, really don't want you to not sign up. Only the utterly disinterested (or credit card lacking) get to know about charging phone bills, or the tantalizing "bill me later". I selected "bill me later", just to see what happened. I quickly canceled out of that when I realized it was a hassle. A week later I got a letter informing me that I'd been rejected for that billing option (strangely enough, to my correct name and address).

Screw it, I entered a credit card. 

My IQ dropped 20 points the moment I heard the "welcome". I entered a chat room for old times sake. Once again I was dumbfounded that people consider that nonsense to be entertainment. My IQ plummeted another 10 points.

I downloaded my Earthlink software... and then I fled AOL with any intelligence I had left.

A few weeks later I got around to canceling (before I would be billed). I braced myself, and I called the number specifically listed for "cancellations". Keeping in mind that the operator knows full well that any incoming calls on that line want to CANCEL their service, the telephone greeting was humorous. "Thank you for choosing America Online, this is (I didn't care what his name was) speaking, how may I help you have an even better online experience today?"

I didn't give the answer that I wanted to - "Go work for Earthlink", instead I told him I wanted to cancel.

He was very disappointed to hear that (said with every bit of the sincerity of American Idol runner-up Justin Big Hair). But he told me he could certainly help me (yeah right). I gave him my screen name, I told him my real name. Hmmmm... there was a problem. The last name didn't match. I suddenly remembered the falsified information that I had entered when I signed on. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall who the hell I said I was. I offered my credit card number instead. He found me that way. But we hit another snag when the addresses didn't mesh. I explained I had no idea why it was different, but this is me, this is my credit card, and I needed him to cancel the account.

"Yeah, um, that's not going to happen". Just like that, that's what he said to me. That's not going to happen. He was giving me two free months. I told him I didn't need free months of a service I didn't want. He told me he was trying to help me. I said if he wanted to help me, then cancel me. He told me he couldn't, and he was only giving me free months out of "the goodness of his heart". Puhleeze! The janitor of the building is authorized to pick up the phone and give people free months. It is the very first line of defense in preventing people from canceling. He told me he absolutely couldn't cancel me because I couldn't verify my address. No, I explained, YOU can't verify my address, I know exactly where I'm sitting.

I have learned something about customer service reps (especially those being recorded). They will stay on the phone with you NO MATTER WHAT, as long as you don't swear. As soon as a "fuck" escapes your lips, they'll hang up in your face, but you can say anything else and they'll stay on the line.

I was clearly frustrated at this point. But it got even worse. He then needed to find out exactly why I didn't want to stay with AOL. I told him honestly that it was the worst experience I have had, not only with an ISP, but with any kind of service ever. He began to try and pull more out of me, and I stated that I definitely wanted to cancel, there was no talking me out of it. He then called me Ma'am, and made me out to be the asshole because he "wasn't trying to do that". It's like the guy who's clearly asking you out, and you try to let him down nicely. Men facing this type of rejection all have the same knee jerk reaction. Suddenly he will insist that he wasn't asking you out anyway, you cunt. Mr. AOL Rep insisted he was only asking in order to better serve their customers in the future. Yeah, well, I don't fucking like you, so why should I have any interest in helping you improve your future dating action?

I asked why my screen name, password, and credit card number weren't sufficient to cancel. He told me it was for my own protection. I said if he was really interested in my protection why was I able to create an account with a credit card that didn't match either the name or the address being used? He told me they had 34 million customers. Yeah, but how many millions of those are still trying to cancel? People create accounts for other people all the time, names and addresses don't always match the billing information associated with the credit card.

In order to cancel I needed to log back onto America Online and change my billing information. That's when he started talking to me like a moron. He told me to sign on to AOL, and in the box labeled keyword at the top of the page, type in "billing". I asked him how to spell that.

What if my credit card number was stolen? What if I was calling because someone somewhere created an account using my credit card? Would I need to call the thief and tell him to change the address in his account information so I could cancel? No, he explained, in that case he would transfer me to their fraud department, and they'd cancel the account that way. There was a moment's pause as he anticipated my thought. But, he gloated, I'd already told him it's a legitimate account. Check.

I explained to Mr. AOL that I really didn't want to have to sign back on to America Online- ever again. And I definitely didn't want to have to call back. He told me there were other ways to cancel, and I could find those by typing "cancel" into the magic box he had mentioned earlier.

I was defeated. He had won. I said nothing. 

He took the opportunity to end the call. "Thanks for calling Amy, and you have an excellent day." Checkmate.

I sat stupefied by his cheeriness.

"You have no idea how much I am beginning to LOATHE AOL."

I did as I was told, and I made the appropriate changes. A week later, I successfully canceled my account.

I hope AOL writes that man a nice big fat "thwarted cancellation attempt" bonus check this month. I am confident that part of every employee's performance review is an examination of the percentage of calls taken that actually result in a cancelled account.

Mother fuckers.